pasko

samwise>
parang kailan lang magkasama at magkayakap tayo sa pasko. hindi ba sinabi mo na walang iwanan? saan ka ngayon? saan?


ang pangako ay bulang naglalaho sa pag-ihip ng hangin... at ang samahan ay panaginip na hindi na kayang balikan.

gumising. unawain. tanggapin.

hindi lahat ng pasko ay maligaya;
at ang bagong taon ay hindi nagdadala ng pag-asa.


(epiphany 25dec07)

on holding on

no.

i will not allow you to give up.

you work on it.
fight for it.
live to the brink of dying for it.

because that is what you want.
because that is what will make you happy.
because that is what will give you peace.



(epiphany 21oct07)

madness

How did this madness begin?

Well, it happened in the beginning. In the very beginning.

After Adam and Eve ate of the forbidden fruit, they became ashamed of their nakedness. When they heard God walking in the woods, they hid from His presence. But God was everywhere and nothing could escape His senses. God was angry, yes, so very angry. Because now Adam and Eve, and their children and their children’s children, would have to leave the Garden of Eden forever.

But when God finally banished Adam and Eve, He did not do it in a fit of righteous rage. Softly, gently, sadly, He brought them under the shade of a great gnarled acacia tree. They were ashamed in His presence; they were awed by His presence.

Being a loving and merciful Creator, omnipotent and ineffable, God couldn’t just send them away. In the Torah and the Bible, it is written that He clothed them in garments made of skin; in the Qur-an, it is written that He turned to Adam and said to him words of inspiration. But what is not written anywhere is that He gave them something else: a keepsake. It was something for Adam and Eve to always remember Him and Paradise by.

What God gave to each of them was shaped like a leaf, only slightly larger than a fist. It reflected light from the outside but it also glowed with a soft and warm crimson light from within. And it pulsed in a peculiarly perfect two-tone rhythm.

“It is called a ‘Heart’,” God replied to the unasked question in their upturned eyes. “It holds the greatest force in all of Creation. It encompasses the beauty of Paradise. It contains my promise of protection and your source of salvation.”

Humbled, Adam and Eve received their Hearts in awed silence and mumbled their thanks.

“In your darkest hours, it, I, will be the light that guides. In your deepest sorrows, moments, it, I, will be the words that whisper comfort. In your desires and doubts, it, I, will be the strength that tempers will.”

Adam and Eve held their hearts in both hands and looked at it in silent contemplation…and were lost in the peace of God’s presence.

“But remember, it is only a symbol. What you have inside of you (pointing at something in them, somewhere below their chins and above their stomachs) is far greater.” Then God smiled; and winked.

So Adam and Eve were led to the Eastern Gate and the Door to the Garden of Enlightenment closed for eternity. Cherubim with flaming swords are said to guard that gate day and night until the Day of Judgment comes. But that is another story. This story is about Adam, Eve, and their Hearts.

So Adam and Eve lived in the wilderness of the world. They hunted, they tilled, they had children…and they took care of their Hearts. For in so doing, they felt God’s closeness to them, and their oneness with Him in Paradise.

Their children and grandchildren would often ask about the Hearts—while seated before a fire on a cool winter evening or lying amidst the grass and flowers of spring—and Adam and Eve would gladly tell them The Story: of Creation and the Time Before the Exile; and when God gave them their Hearts… and when He smiled… and when He winked.

When Adam and Eve passed away, their Hearts passed on with them. Adam and Eve’s children told the story of Adam and Eve’s Story of the Hearts to their children. Then the grandchildren told the story of the story of Adam and Eve’s Story of the Hearts to their children and grandchildren.

This went on for hundreds of years, with each generation telling the story of the Story of the Hearts to their children and grandchildren. The story of the Story was ancient when Babel was new. And when the Tower was struck down and Adam and Eve’s descendants began talking in different languages, the story of the Story of the Hearts was still told and re-told.

And then, somewhere in the telling, or sometime, the Story changed.

People first forgot about the wink… then the smile. Then of God’s gesture. Then of God’s last words to Adam and Eve. In time, almost all of God’s “last words” to Adam and Eve were forgotten. And eventually, even the Hearts were forgotten.

So the scattered peoples began to make new stories from fragments of the first one. These stories were in their turn told and retold—translated, adapted, changed. And because each story was but a fragment of the story of the Story and was different from other fragments, people disagreed on which story was true… or which story came first… or which story ought to be told… or which story ought to be believed.

In a few more hundred years, wars were fought for the sake of the stories, cultures were erased, cities were pillaged and razed, civilizations were enslaved or hunted to extinction.

Today, wars are being fought for the sake of the stories, cultures are being erased, cities are being pillaged and razed, civilizations are being enslaved or hunted to extinction.

All these for stories which have lost their meaning.

Aren’t religions just terrible?

payaso

ako ay isang payaso na nakalimot na kung paano tumawa

drama:princess>
.hai. ang mga payaso'y hindi nakakalimot tumawa

ang kanilang tawa ay alingawngaw lamang ng saya ng anino ng masasayang kahapon na hindi na maaring balikan

drama:princess> e di huwag na maging payaso. kung ganyan naman

paano kung ang pagiging payaso lang ang aking nalalaman?

drama:princess> yun nga lang ba talaga?



(epiphany 14oct07)

dying

gremio>
i'm dying because i am numb inside.


dying is not like sleeping...
it is excruciating pain.
it's like having your heart ripped from your chest...
and still beating, see her feed on it.

(epiphany 14oct07)

on letting go

IF you decide to let go,
then let go completely.
don't hold on to the razor's edge rim of uncertainty...
knowing eventually,
inevitably,
you will fall.


(epiphany 29sep07)

it just felt right

"you would pretend that you are better than i,
but you are not.
you are no freer of guilt,
no nobler of purpose,
no higher of mind.
you are a monster; you are as cold and dark as i.
if you think otherwise, you are a fool.

the difference between us
is not that i think i am better than you.
the difference is that i recognize what i am,
and i understand how terrible that is.
you would go on as you are and not regret it.
even if i am able to change myself,
i will look back at what i was and regret it always."


from terry brooks' the voyage of the jerle shannara: morgawr

wishful thinking

gremio>
things will get better. they always did for me.
they will get better for you, too.


sometimes things don't get better
despite our intentions and efforts...
and we are left
with nothing but the fragments
of a shattered forever
and the shreds
of dawn dreams
we struggle to recover and forget upon waking.


(epiphany 21sep07)

dancing with demons

I want to die.

All my life I’ve been floating, drifting.

I’ve unfurled my sails and let the winds blow me where they may. I’ve had my adventures. I’ve seen places others have only visited in dreams. I’ve experienced the beauty of different cultures many times over. I‘ve had my conquests; my share of wine, women, and song.

But it hasn’t always been smooth sailing. I’ve weathered storms strong enough to leave me bruised and battered. I’ve lived through terrors both imagined and real. I have been becalmed in waters I did not know; and gotten lost in waters I thought I did.

Now, I just want to die.

Very poetic. But, no, you don’t. Ha! Who are you kidding? We’ve go too much of a good thing going here. We're happy and content. Would you really throw it all away? You won't. You don’t have what it takes!

I’m tired.
I want to stop running.
I want to rest.

I want to look at myself in the mirror each morning and look myself straight in the eye without too much of an effort, without too much self-doubt; I want to got to bed at night and not wrestle with memories of what could have been and dreams of what could be.

I want to be free. Free of you.

You will never be free of us. We are You. You’ve painstakingly built us up, piece by piece, in your own image. We are the result of your yesteryears… of all your joys and sorrows, successes and defeats, pride and shame. You won’t destroy us. You can’t destroy us. We are your armor against the world.

I don’t intend to destroy you. I go to seek my true self.

Not in the physical realm from which you claim to shield me, but deep inside myself…in the inner space you draw your strength from. I intend to journey to my heart and embrace you, my shadows. I claim you for myself. Once and for all.

And the deeper I go and the darker it gets, the more you become real; yet the more I hold you close, the less significant you become. Your substance will dissolve in the twists and turns you yourself have unconsciously designed. You will no longer hold sway over me.

We spent years protecting you. Do you think that embracing your shadows will make us go away? We are your shadows...we know. Do you think that loving a person who betrays will reveal your Godhead? Do you think that speaking your secrets will win you a place in her heart? Do you think that perfection can be attained with the writing of a few words? If you do, then you are a fool!

I am not doing this for her.
Or for anyone else.
Or for anything else.
I am doing this for me.

Secrets can still be secrets even when they are shared; and perfection is the process, a journey and not the destination.

They say that the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. I take that step now.

I go to die.

daybreak

and has she gone?

to a place i cannot follow
because i do not know the way...
or because i do not dare to?

with her passing,
beauty fades,
stars turn to dust,
words lose all meaning.