on letting go

IF you decide to let go,
then let go completely.
don't hold on to the razor's edge rim of uncertainty...
knowing eventually,
inevitably,
you will fall.


(epiphany 29sep07)

it just felt right

"you would pretend that you are better than i,
but you are not.
you are no freer of guilt,
no nobler of purpose,
no higher of mind.
you are a monster; you are as cold and dark as i.
if you think otherwise, you are a fool.

the difference between us
is not that i think i am better than you.
the difference is that i recognize what i am,
and i understand how terrible that is.
you would go on as you are and not regret it.
even if i am able to change myself,
i will look back at what i was and regret it always."


from terry brooks' the voyage of the jerle shannara: morgawr

wishful thinking

gremio>
things will get better. they always did for me.
they will get better for you, too.


sometimes things don't get better
despite our intentions and efforts...
and we are left
with nothing but the fragments
of a shattered forever
and the shreds
of dawn dreams
we struggle to recover and forget upon waking.


(epiphany 21sep07)

dancing with demons

I want to die.

All my life I’ve been floating, drifting.

I’ve unfurled my sails and let the winds blow me where they may. I’ve had my adventures. I’ve seen places others have only visited in dreams. I’ve experienced the beauty of different cultures many times over. I‘ve had my conquests; my share of wine, women, and song.

But it hasn’t always been smooth sailing. I’ve weathered storms strong enough to leave me bruised and battered. I’ve lived through terrors both imagined and real. I have been becalmed in waters I did not know; and gotten lost in waters I thought I did.

Now, I just want to die.

Very poetic. But, no, you don’t. Ha! Who are you kidding? We’ve go too much of a good thing going here. We're happy and content. Would you really throw it all away? You won't. You don’t have what it takes!

I’m tired.
I want to stop running.
I want to rest.

I want to look at myself in the mirror each morning and look myself straight in the eye without too much of an effort, without too much self-doubt; I want to got to bed at night and not wrestle with memories of what could have been and dreams of what could be.

I want to be free. Free of you.

You will never be free of us. We are You. You’ve painstakingly built us up, piece by piece, in your own image. We are the result of your yesteryears… of all your joys and sorrows, successes and defeats, pride and shame. You won’t destroy us. You can’t destroy us. We are your armor against the world.

I don’t intend to destroy you. I go to seek my true self.

Not in the physical realm from which you claim to shield me, but deep inside myself…in the inner space you draw your strength from. I intend to journey to my heart and embrace you, my shadows. I claim you for myself. Once and for all.

And the deeper I go and the darker it gets, the more you become real; yet the more I hold you close, the less significant you become. Your substance will dissolve in the twists and turns you yourself have unconsciously designed. You will no longer hold sway over me.

We spent years protecting you. Do you think that embracing your shadows will make us go away? We are your shadows...we know. Do you think that loving a person who betrays will reveal your Godhead? Do you think that speaking your secrets will win you a place in her heart? Do you think that perfection can be attained with the writing of a few words? If you do, then you are a fool!

I am not doing this for her.
Or for anyone else.
Or for anything else.
I am doing this for me.

Secrets can still be secrets even when they are shared; and perfection is the process, a journey and not the destination.

They say that the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. I take that step now.

I go to die.

daybreak

and has she gone?

to a place i cannot follow
because i do not know the way...
or because i do not dare to?

with her passing,
beauty fades,
stars turn to dust,
words lose all meaning.